Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

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Mr. B
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Mr. B »

Not a good week for Phungi and losing to me twice in the same year is the ultimate humiliation. On the plus side, his pain and despair will be good for his art, so this week's chapter should be especially good.

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Clams
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Clams »

tinnitus photography wrote:battle of the lightweights as i take on Clams for the battle over last place.
I'm just happy this league doesn't have a sack-o prize. That's the award given to the last place finisher in Junior's league where last place finishers have been required to do things such as pierce their ear, get their chest hair waxed, dye their hair with peroxide, etc.
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Mr. B »

Clams wrote:
tinnitus photography wrote:battle of the lightweights as i take on Clams for the battle over last place.
I'm just happy this league doesn't have a sack-o prize. That's the award given to the last place finisher in Junior's league where last place finishers have been required to do things such as pierce their ear, get their chest hair waxed, dye their hair with peroxide, etc.
That might not have worked out so well for me in past seasons.

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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by bovine knievel »

This could be the trophy for last place. A genuine kangaroo ball sack bottle opener. :lol:

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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by phungi »

bovine knievel wrote:This could be the trophy for last place. A genuine kangaroo ball sack bottle opener. :lol:

Image
Last place? That seems like a winner's trophy!
We got messed up minds for these messed up times...

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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Clams »

Two weeks left, top 4 make playoffs:

LBRod 8-4
Bovine 7-5
Mr B 6-6
Sterling 6-6
Phungi 6-6
Rlipps 6-6
Clams 6-6
Tinnnitus 3-9
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tinnitus photography
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by tinnitus photography »

Clams wrote:Two weeks left, top 4 make playoffs:

LBRod 8-4
Bovine 7-5
Mr B 6-6
Sterling 6-6
Phungi 6-6
Rlipps 6-6
Clams 6-6
Tinnnitus 3-9
(sad trombone)

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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by bovine knievel »

tinnitus photography wrote:
Clams wrote:Two weeks left, top 4 make playoffs:

LBRod 8-4
Bovine 7-5
Mr B 6-6
Sterling 6-6
Phungi 6-6
Rlipps 6-6
Clams 6-6
Tinnnitus 3-9
(sad trombone)
Crazy that nobody has clinched yet!
“Excited people get on daddy’s nerves.” - M. Cooley

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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Clams »

One week left, top 4 make playoffs:

LBRod 9-4
Bovine 7-6
Mr B 7-6
Phungi 7-6
Sterling 6-7
Rlipps 6-7
Clams 6-7
Tinnnitus 4-9
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by bovine knievel »

Clams wrote:One week left, top 4 make playoffs:

LBRod 9-4
Mr B 7-6
Bovine 7-6
Phungi 7-6
Sterling 6-7
Rlipps 6-7
Clams 6-7
Tinnnitus 4-9
Fixed it.

LBRod clinched. Pretty sure tinnitus is out with no chance to make playoffs. I suspect 2 of the remaining 3 seeds will come down to points to break the tie.

Oh yea... and I find myself looking forward to Phungi’s weekly story. Some good shit floating around in that man’s head. :lol:
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Clams »

Playoffs:
LBRod (1) vs Sterling Bigmouth (4)
Mr B (2) vs Phungi (3)
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Mr. B »

Clams wrote:Playoffs:
LBRod (1) vs Sterling Bigmouth (4)
Mr B (2) vs Phungi (3)
I expected an epic report from Phungi by now to set the tone for the playoffs. I'm worried -- I smoked him twice during the regular season, which means that I'm overdue to get my ass whipped by him this week. But as long as great art arises from the ashes of this week's battle, I'm okay with that.

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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by bovine knievel »

Mr. B wrote:
Clams wrote:Playoffs:
LBRod (1) vs Sterling Bigmouth (4)
Mr B (2) vs Phungi (3)
I expected an epic report from Phungi by now to set the tone for the playoffs. I'm worried -- I smoked him twice during the regular season, which means that I'm overdue to get my ass whipped by him this week. But as long as great art arises from the ashes of this week's battle, I'm okay with that.
I feel like you’ve got the hand right nowadays. Good luck to all of you, Fornicators!

I’ll be watching from the losers bracket.
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by LBRod »

Last night went well.
Don't hurt people, and don't take their stuff.

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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Clams »

LBRod wrote:Last night went well.
But the website still projects you to lose. Just sayin'
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by bovine knievel »

Clams wrote:
LBRod wrote:Last night went well.
But the website still projects you to lose. Just sayin'
Maybe you should pay more attention to your own roster. Just sayin’ :lol:
“Excited people get on daddy’s nerves.” - M. Cooley

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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by LBRod »

Those 35 points from my QB are no projection.
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by LBRod »

Now I need over 20 points from Kamara tonight. I have been kicking myself for drafting him over McCaffrey. Hindsight is a MFer.
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Mr. B »

LBRod wrote:Now I need over 20 points from Kamara tonight. I have been kicking myself for drafting him over McCaffrey. Hindsight is a MFer.
You should have known that having the best team all year and ending up in first place is a certain recipe for disaster come playoff time.

According to Yahoo's predictions (which I realize are basically worthless) me and Sterling are in a virtual dead heat this weekend. I'm rooting for me.

As for Phungi, I think my third defeat of him this year caused him to drive the van into a ditch and lose control of his arms and hands. Hopefully he is using his nose to peck out an update as we are all on the edges of our seats.

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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by tinnitus photography »

Mr. B wrote:
LBRod wrote:Now I need over 20 points from Kamara tonight. I have been kicking myself for drafting him over McCaffrey. Hindsight is a MFer.
You should have known that having the best team all year and ending up in first place is a certain recipe for disaster come playoff time.

According to Yahoo's predictions (which I realize are basically worthless) me and Sterling are in a virtual dead heat this weekend. I'm rooting for me.

As for Phungi, I think my third defeat of him this year caused him to drive the van into a ditch and lose control of his arms and hands. Hopefully he is using his nose to peck out an update as we are all on the edges of our seats.
:lol:

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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Clams »

Week One: The Sham
phungi (phungi)
Sep 11 7:11 am
Twas the first week of Football, when all through the league
Few hoped of winning, call it fatigue
The rosters were set, post-draft with care,
In hopes that the victory soon would be theirs.

The HeAthens lay soiled all snug in their beds,
While visions of six-packs danced in their heads.
With the losers all paying, who’d give a crap,
Just give me fine lager, and a sweet winter’s nap.

When Monday awoke there arose such a clatter,
They all grabbed their phones to see what was the matter.
Up in the standings, phungi rose like a flash,
Tore up their high hopes and stole their hop stash.

Despite Mayfield-Beckham’s disastrous show
phungi stared down the standings, at the huge mess below.
When, what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But sad list of posers, all silent, in fear

Perhaps a wire waiver, they’ll tried to be quick,
They’ll learn from experience that phungi’s a dick.
More rapid than DeSean to his roster they’ll come,
While phungi postures and calls them all dumb.

"Now, Saquon! now, Cooper! now, Mixon and Engram!
On, Odell! On, Mayfield! on, Wil Lutz and Ekeler!
To the top of the standings! to the top of it all!
Now dash all their hopes! Dash away all!"

phungi sprang to his keyboard, to his league gave the finger,
Dropped a fart that he hoped in their minds it would linger.
They heard him exclaim, while seeing their teams were a sham,
“Fuck all you HeAthens, don’t blame me, just blame Clams"
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Clams »

Week Two: Upside the head
phungi (phungi)
Sep 17 6:03 am
LATE EVENING, MONDAY, FOLLOWING MNF. INTERIOR, LBRod’s HOUSE. NEWSPAPERS, FANTASY FOOTBALL DIGESTS, AND VAPE CARTRIDGES ARE STREWN ABOUT. THE MOVIE DIE HARD IS PLAYING ON THE TELEVISION. LBRod IS SLEEPING FITFULLY. WE ENTER HIS DREAM. IT IS A NIGHTMARE.

INT. LBRod’s MAN CAVE - NIGHT
Rod and his friend Bovine lean over a monitor watching the Yahoo Fantasy Football matchup, and flipping channels on the television

BOVINE (tapping the screen)
There's the Quarterback...he’s going to throw the ball.. But who are these guys in the fancy pajamas?

LBRod: That's the Rams and Saints… I’m expecting them to score a ton of points and destroy phungi's power. They're as regular as clockwork...or a time lock...

BOVINE looks skeptical:
LBRod: ...the team that cannot be beat... is defeated automatically in response through a high-scoring game...You ask for miracles, BOVINE...I give you the NFC...

BOVINE: When you're hot, you're hot.

CUT TO: LA RAMS STADIUM
As we saw on LBRod’s screen, the Rams and Saints are in a low-scoring game. A big SCOREBOARD is visible, numbers appearing where an ANNOUNCER rambles.

ANNOUNCER: The Rams are stopping Kamara, all down the line.

AUDIO/VIDEO BRIDGE: CUT TO: ATLANTA FALCONS/EAGLES GAME

ANNOUNCER: …stopping Freeman all down the line.

LBRod THROWS GIANT LEVERS. Inside his man cave, SPARKS SIZZLE and massive contacts CLUNK.

THE MATCHUP: One by one, all their numbers fall below projections.

CUT TO: MONDAY NIGHT

LBRod and BOVINE huddle over the computer monitor screen as if it was a warm fireplace. BOVINE points to the computer screen; all they can do is wait.

We SEE the score for Beckham Jr increase steadily. The lights go OFF. The computer screen stays ON. LBRod looks over at the scoreboard.



SCOREBOARD READOUT

"LBRod 118.97. phungi 131.30."

THE REST OF THE LEAGUE IS PRESENT. CLAMS, SILENT IN HIS OWN BLAME, SMACKS CLAMS JR. UPSIDE THE BACK OF THE HEAD

VOICE, INSIDE ALL THEIR HEADS

phungi: “yippie kay-a mother fuckers”

SCENE
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Clams »

Week 3: The Road Trip Begins
phungi (phungi)
Sep 23 5:54 am
Clams was irate. He should have been at work, and not dealing with this nonsense. Clams Jr. was confused, as should have been in class, and not dealing with this nonsense. However, here they were, in a car, "driving north" was all Clams would say. What follows is less of a conversation, and more of intermittent muttering, mostly by Clams.

CLAMS (muttering): "I give you the draft, I give you the roster, and this is how you show your thanks?!?"
CLAMS JR: "It's not THAT big of a deal, it's still early, we are only 3 games out of first"
CLAMS (still muttering): "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND"
CLAMS JR: "It's math, what's not to understand"
CLAMS: "It's not about the beer, it's not about the league, this was against Phil"
CLAMS JR: (silence)
CLAMS: "you fucking lost to phungi, with Sean McCoy on the bench"
CLAMS JR: "but following ESPN's algorithm, Jacobs had higher projected week 3 stats"
CLAMS: "didn't you learn ANYTHING during Andy Reid's tenure in Philly? He is going to go with whatever didn't work in the past"
CLAMS JR: "where we going anyway, fishing?"
CLAMS: "Connecticut"
CLAMS JR: "Connecticut? You do know I have classes"
CLAMS: "And I have work, but we gotta get out of town for a bit"
CLAMS JR: "Um, you are taking this fantasy football a bit too seriously"
CLAMS: "you know what's coming right? a Message Board post re-writing the script from A Few Good Men... YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE SCHATZ... I can't fucking take it
CLAMS JR: "is that a movie?"
CLAMS (interrupting): "or making one of those May-Mays"
CLAMS JR: "do mean Meme"
CLAMS: "May-May, Meeeeem, whatever, It's going to be awful"
CLAMS JR: "worse than driving to Connecticut? why Connecticut anyway?"
CLAMS: "I know a guy, he knows a lot about a few things"
CLAMS JR (deftly Googling with one hand, hiding his phone from Sr.): "Not that Bill guy, the one who almost died raking our leaves?!?"
CLAMS (back to muttering): he is a wealth of statistics.
CLAMS JR (still Googling): "un, this isn't the Neil Young Fantasy League, or the Pearl Jam Fantasy Setlist league"
CLAMS: "but Neil Young is from Canada, and they have the CFL there, and football is football"
CLAMS JR: (eyeing the door handle): "um, that's a GREAT idea dad" (quietly tries the handle, but sees the central lock has been activated
CLAMS (fiddling with Spotify) "ever listen to death metal?"

TO BE CONTINUED...
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Clams »

Week 4: A friend, indeed
phungi (phungi)
Oct 2 7:58 am
Note: All characters and events depicted in this film are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to actual events or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

(somewhere in North America)
Clams Jr. had settled in nicely, adjusting to “road trip life”… he had moved to the back seat, and was previously laying low, hoodie up, AirPods in. He was not looking forward to picking up passengers, but the unexpected stop to pick up Uncle Ricky quickly led to “back seat sippin”. The fact that his dad’s friends each brought enough beer to allow near-constant consumption, combined with a win under his belt, he felt somewhat vindicated. He was even becoming less freaked out by the mullet when the car suddenly stopped.

BILL: Hey Clams, how’s it going. Did you hear Cerebral Rot opened with “Reeking Septic Mass” for the 37th straight time, dating back to 2015? (Looking around) Hey Luke, Hey Clams Jr. Where we headed?

CLAMS (having rehearsed this line) “Surprise Pop-up Neil Young Show, location undisclosed yet, so secret it isn’t even on Thrasher’s Wheat, hop in.

(on the open road, Uncle Ricky and Clams Jr are in the back seat. The floor is 6” deep in empty cans and bottles. Clams Jr is swigging and nodding)

BILL: well, Ty Long is a punter for the Chargers, so he isn’t likely to score for you, but Brett Maher is kicking for the Cowboys and he had a 78% accuracy with the Ottawa Redblacks.

CLAMS JR (interrupting, belch-talking, looking at the standings): We’re one and threeeeeeeeee

UNCLE RICKY (interrupting, belch-talking, mimicking Bill): Hey Clams Jr., (looking at Clams Jr’s phone) did you know that phungi is still tied for the leeeeeeeead?

BILL (continuing the belch talk): Hey Clams Jr, did you know this week you play Bovine Knieeeeeeeeevel (he stops suddenly, as the burp is cut-off)

CLAMS (disgusted): I thought these Northern California guys were just slacker stoners, but (joining in) him and LB are in the leeeeeeeead

BILL (regaining his confidence): Hey Clams, did you know that tinnitus is still the reigning champ, and he is from the Northeeeeeeeeeeast?

CLAMS: Speaking of Massachusetts, don’t they have legal weeeeeeeeeeed?

CLAMS JR: He’s also 1 and 3 and plays phungi this week. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

CLAMS EYES A SIGN THAT READS “I-84 MASS”, UNCLE RICKY TAPS BEER CANS WITH CLAMS JR, BILL JUST IS BILL

CLAMS: phungi is probably licking his wounds, and we don’t meet up again until week 10, but we need all the help we can get. (TAKING THE EXIT) Massachusetts, here we come.

CLAMS, CLAMS JR, UNCLE RICKEY (belch talking) “A friend with weed is a friend”

BILL (loudly, belch talking) “INDEEEEEEEEEEEE-” (an ominous gurgling noise stops the joyous singing). THE CAR TURNS SILENT

…to be continued
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Clams »

Week 5: The Quest Continues
phungi (phungi)
Oct 5 7:12 am
[SOMEWHERE IN MASSACHUSETTS, OUTDOORS, PARKING LOT]

Clams was checking his mental “Things To Do With Jr Bucket List”, and never imagined “Getting Kicked Out of Hooters” would ever make the list. He also never imagined Jr attempting make a bong out of a Converse Chuck Taylor, but here he was. Sitting on a concrete parking stopper, he felt some kinship with the normal American refuse scattered on the asphalt. What follows is punctuated by the intermittent sound of a camera shutter, from Tinnitus circling the scene and providing single-word and short phrases.

CLAMS: This was supposed to be “our week” but 12 points to a kicker?

TINNITUS: Don’t forget Lockett (click)

CLAMS: Down 25 before Sunday (sighs)

CLAMS Jr. (wearing a tight Hooters tank): Why do they put these holes in the side?

TINNITUS (click): What about phungi?

CLAMS: Fuck, why did I ever turn him onto the Truckers.

TINNITUS: Brady out (click), Wilson in (click), last minute (click), fucker

CLAMS Jr. (face in sneaker, voice muffled): I got the hole cut, but if we don’t stop this water, there IS no bong.

BILL: Hey Clams Jr. If you plug up the holes with cigarette butts, you might stop the leak.

UNCLE RICKY: If we are going to be here a while, I think I can arrange some sort of porch.

CLAMS: Tinnitus, enough with the photos. You were supposed to stop him this week.

TINNITUS: It’s ok, Clams, I have 3 players with Q’s next to there name, and you know what that means?

CLAMS Jr: Quantum cluster fuck? (handing sneaker to Bill)

BILL: Hey, Tinnitus, did you know that quadrophonic sound did in the 70’s only to come back as surround sound?

CLAMS: sounds like one Q short of quadriplegia (surveying this mess).

UNCLE RICKY (sipping): Quixotically, we are on a quest, and I know just the knight you need (raised eyebrow to Clams)

CLAMS (smelling what the Luke is cooking): Here’s what we are going to do (first takes sneaker from Jr, amazed to see it works), he pauses, Bill: how far to Iowa?

[TO BE CONTINUED]
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Clams »

Week 6: ...Morning After
phungi (phungi)
Oct 15 8:00 am
(Southeastern Pennsylvania, cluttered desk, we only see fingers-to-keyboard. Maureen McGovern’s “There’s Got to Be a Morning After”, the theme song to The Poseidon Adventure, is playing in an endless loop. During the brief 2-second pause between plays, we hear muffled sobbing, intermixed with the sound of typing).


Meanwhile in Ohio, our gang of merry men are traveling west on I-90 towards Iowa. The level of merriment is somewhat subdued, as Clams (and thus, Clams Jr) have lost this week, but Tinnitus has won, earning them both a 2-4 ranking. Arch-villian phungi may have lost, but he was still tied for the lead at 4-2, while appearing to fade fast. Make-believe football management, however, had taken a back seat to the trading-in of the vehicle. Knowing the group was growing, it was inevitable. What couldn’t be expected was the choice of vehicle. Clams Jr. had hoped for an RV, Clams was thinking “VW van” (like in Field of Dreams), but Bill won out by repeating “Mystery Machine” over and over again, until Uncle Ricky found a complete replica online and nearby. The sneaker-bong may have also played a role, but Bill was now speaking as Scooby-Doo, and Clams Jr. was baiting him on asking “Scooby want a Scooby Snack?”


Clams, festering and annoyed, tried to tune all this out, hoping Iowa paid off, when he suddenly heard an odd voice saying “if he builds it, he’ll be dumb”, and vowed to detox for a while. He looked over at Uncle Ricky who was working on a contraption that would tilt beer cans into his mouth allowing gravity to deliver him beer effortlessly, when Ricky looked back at him and said “who you calling dumb”? Unsure what to say, Clams heard “freeze his brain”, and he decided he had had enough, so he pulled over outside Toledo, to stretch his legs, get some ice cream, and find a place to crash. Walking down the street he noticed a movie theater with “The Godfather” on the marquis, and a 72 Mustang parked outside with a “Re-Elect Nixon” sticker. He shook his head, re-vowed to detox for a while, and noticed a somewhat short elderly gentleman walking towards him in red knee-high go-go boots.


“Excuse me” Clams said, “I’m on my way to Iowa, are you Doctor Contovasilis?” The gentleman replied “No one’s called me Contovasilis in decades, I’m Jonicont.” In stunned silence, Clams says nothing. All we hear is Bill: “Ronny-Ront, Riowa”


(to be continued)
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

Post by Clams »

Week 7: Free Falling
phungi (phungi)
Oct 22 7:28 am
(somewhere in Michigan)


The traveling dingleberry’s made a right turn in Indiana, adding Mr. B to the van of happy campers. At least a few were happy, but Mr. B took one on the chin at the expense of Clams, who, along with Jr, was celebrating a rare one-week winning streak. Jr. was in the back of the van, chatting it up with Mr. Cont, although he was now referred to a “Ronny-Ront” due to Bill’s ongoing impersonation of Scooby Doo. Interestingly, we had heard very little from Uncle Ricky, likely due to the successful creation of his effortless beer consumption machine, who had yet to abandon the burp-talking, so “Roneeeee Ront” was his go-to line.



Clams Jr had hoped to gain some valuable information from the good Dr, but was very confused by the terms “starters” and “relievers” and “DH”, as Jon peppered Jr with free agents to pick up. Jr was frantically searching through the league for players names Gleyber Torres, and Giovanny Urshela until Bill leaned over and whispered “Rankees, Raserall” and Clams Jr resumed his distain for the baby-boomer generation went back to his millennial all-day wake-and-bake.

Like Jr, the anticipation of Iowa was still high, as was the ultimate destination, the West Coast, LBRod, and Northern California, which, in his 3-4 state and the Eagles SNF collapse, Clams referred to as Melancholy World. Tinnitus was rather sullen, as well, putting up a league-low 44 this week, but if there was one unifying theme in the Mystery Machine, it was a celebration of the demise of phungi. Once 4-1, he was 0-2 and fading, looking like the league’s version of Mr. B’s Wolverines and Lions, who were also 0-1 and 0-3, respectively. Week 8 was going to be telling, but for now, the gang was in a celebratory mood.



Passing through Illinois, en route to the state of Iowa, many questions lingered. Who was this mystery ace-in-the-hole living in Iowa, would phungi win another game, is the pork tenderloin sandwich at the Iowa State Fair really bigger than the bun, would Marty Noose finally bring this all to an end in Melancholy World, and why would anyone still be reading this?



All questions faded away, as Uncle Ricky turned up the music, and we hear the beginning of Tom Petty’s “Free Falling” came on.



[CUT TO] Clams: “hey guys, it’s phungi’s theme song”

FREE FALLING continues on the van stereo. Like the scene in Almost Famous, but substituting for Tiny Dancer, Clams sits up front, wearing an Eagles jersey alone and silent. The others have given him a wide berth. He feels silly, and they know it, and he hates that they know it, which makes him feel foolish. He sits silently. Tinnitus watches him from the back, next to Bill. He yawns. The song's chorus begins. There is only more silence. Then, after a beat, we hear a voice or two, Clams Jr, and John, fighting the quiet and singing along. Then others...... joining in. Everyone but bill. Clams hears them and starts to sing along too, louder now, without turning around. It's a voice everyone wants to hear. Like it or not, this is his family. Clams give a signal and deftly turns down the volume just as the next chorus kicks in, and we hear only Bill: “REEEEE, REE-RALLIN”



(to be continued)
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

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Week 8: A mission for beer
phungi (phungi)
Oct 29 11:59 am
(somewhere in Iowa, sunrise)


Some say “the road to heaven is paved with good intentions”, and others use the phrase “paved with broken glass” anyone who has been to rural Iowa knows it as “the road from I-90 to Ruthvan Iowa isn’t even paved”. Tensions were high in the Mystery Machine, as the toxic combination of corn-combusted methane, stale beer, and constant father-son bickering was no match for the limited ventilation. Despite being in a 5-way tie for mediocrity, the remaining question regarding phungi’s free-fall was not “when will it end”, but rather “will he buy me IPA even though he is a lager/pilsner guy”? While LB had carved out his own perch at 6-2, Clams Jr (and thus, Clams) and Tinnitus were all about the bass. Finger-pointing gave way to out-right blame around Des Moines, with terms like “front-office snafu” yielding to directly throwing Jr under the bus. Perhaps the only saving grace was Bill attempting to say the word “snafu” in Scooby Doo voice.



Much like the political climate in the US, the rest of the gang had taken on a state in between cataplexy and apoplexy, so the stakes were very high for whomever this Iowan savior might be. Coming around the curve in the road they approached what appeared to be a giant lake with morning vapors rising off the cool water.



Clams Jr was tinkering with the guitar he picked up at a pawn shop in Mason City, which he traded for two knock-off sneaker bongs. The week of traveling and consumption had him starting from the basics, so he played the iconic opening riff from Deep Purple’s…



Uncle Ricky (pointing): “Smoke on the water!”

Bill: “I was at that show, Montreux Switzerland”

The Doctor: “ALWAYS go to the show”

Tinnitus (clicking): “perfect”



What follows was much more ethereal than words would permit, but as they pulled the van into a parking space (which describes the entire State of Iowa), they saw a male figure walking towards them along the surface of the water. While this occurred, music is playing, as Clams Jr. emerged from the van fingerpicking, and was suddenly joined by a younger guitar player on the porch, in a sort of dueling-banjos manner, only without the Deliverance connotations.



That this figure was walking along a dock mattered not to the Fellowship, as the fog obscured the dock. Clams, having brought them here, had taken on a brief but appreciated level of non-Blame reverence.



As the figure approached, they could see it was, indeed, Gary, who seemed unphased by the morning events.



Gary: “you’ve come a long way, gents, what brings you here?”



Clams (to the gang): “let me handle this”

Clams (to Gary, channeling his inner Theodore Preston from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure): “I am Clams of Three Dime-us, and, uh, I bring to you a message of love.”



Bill: “Rexcellent!”



Gary: “Clams, Bill, Jon, Luke, WTF”



Luke (channeling his inner Elwood Blues) “We’re on a mission for beer”



We hear the guitars join together jamming the dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dundun riff from Smoke on the Water, and the sun is breaking above the fog, creating a red, glow in the sky.



Tinnitus (clicking away at the lake, muttering to himself): “smoke on the water” (he turns his camera upwards) “and fire in the sky”



(to be continued)
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

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Week 9: The Designated Ned Beatty
phungi (phungi)
Nov 6 9:00 am
(morning, Iowa, it is chilly)

Gary had considerable life experience, but little could prepare him for this past 24 hours. Surveying the wreckage, people were strewn about the porch, wrapped in blankets, steam rising from coffee mugs barely protruding from their cocoons. He had heard enough about Fantasy Football, phungi, LBRod, waivers, Clams, and beer. He stood stoic, though, much like Duval’s Lt. Kilgore in Apocalypse Now, he wore no shirt, impervious to the elements. The sound of bombs being emitted from the collective digestive tracts of the visitors did not cause even a flinch:

GARY (to Clams Jr): “You smell that? Do you smell that?... Methane, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of methane in the morning. You know, one time we had a road trip, for twelve hours. When it was all over I woke up. We didn't hear one of 'em, not one stinkin' fart. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole car. Smelled like... victory. Someday this road trip’s gonna end...”

The rest of the group wondered where this was going. What words of wisdom did Clam seek, and would Gary deliver. It seemed that they needed no sage advice, as phungi’s descent continued, and perhaps the new goal was to somehow stop LBRod who was on a 4-game winning streak and 2-games in the lead.

After a pause, Gary gestured to Clams Jr, and said “hand me that guitar”. In what could only be described

as a “velvet tenor” the finger-picking intro to Simon and Garfunkle’s “Sounds of Silence” began. Gary said, “this one’s for phungi”:


Hello defeat, my old friend

I've fallen into you again

Because a Dallas defense deftly leaping

Crushed my hopes while I was sleeping

And the horror that was tattooed in my brain

Still remains

Wherein LB'll be drinking, my beer

In restless dreams I stood alone

Next to the Clamses, my lead blown

No halo, no one greets me "hey champ"

I shit the bed from diarrhea cramp

And my hope was squashed, seemingly without a fight

I’m filled with spite

Because LB'll be drinking, my beer

And on the Message Board I saw

My Road Trip story, nothing more

Coaches thinking but not speaking

Coaches reading without posting

Coaches realizing they, simply had no prayer

And they just sweared

For LB'll be drinking, their beer

"Fools" said I, "You do not know

Losing like a cancer grows

Bench Beckham and he will beat you

Play DeSean and he shall screw you”

For my score like frozen beer implodes

While LB’s motherlode, expands with my beer

To LBRod they bowed and kneeled

Like Ned Beatty they all squealed

The leader board flashed this morning

With a 2-game lead that was forming

And phungi said, "The beers of the losers

Shall be drank in California hills

Along with killer kilz"

Chased, with a quash, of our beer.

Gary stopped playing, and a stunned silence filled the air. Seemingly out of nowhere, Mr. B appeared, having untied the knots holding him to the Aunt Edna Chair on the roof of the Mystery Machine, saying "we're not in Kansas anymore, right?"

(to be continued)
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Re: Neverending & in perpetuity 3dd Fantasy Football thread

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Week 10: A Mission for Rod
phungi (phungi)
Nov 12 12:50 pm
(still in Iowa. Outside, by the Mystery Machine)



Gary is helping secure the “cargo” on the roof, while Clams and Clams Jr continue their ongoing feud:



Clams: 0-2 against phungi? Have you learned nothing?

Clams Jr: (inhaling from sneaker bong, cough-laughing, defiantly) have you taught me nothing?

Clams: don’t be Coy with me Clams Jr: I believe ‘Mc’ before a name, means ‘son of’, making me ‘McCoy’

Clams: and how can you leave in McCoy, he has an ‘O’ next to his name

Clams Jr (still cough-laughing): doesn’t that mean ‘outstanding’?

Clams: Obviously not

Clams Jr: Obsolescence?

Clams: Don’t be obstreperous with me!

Clams Jr: You do realize you are the GM and owner. Our entire bench was on a bye week

Clams: You gotta do a better job, ever hear of the waiver wire?

Clams Jr: Do a better job? Why can’t you be more like Andy Reid and take responsibility for your team?

Clams: Andy Reid? (pause) OUCH!

At that moment, Gary pulled on the rope across Clams’ thighs and declared the cargo “secure” for travel. Clams was still indignant at being placed in the Aunt Edna chair atop the Mystery Machine, but the rest of the gang couldn’t bear the bickering, and for once, Clams Jr seemed to be “in the right”. Plus, he played a mean guitar. Ultimately, Bill’s vocabulary matched the outside world, so “roof rack” it was.



Having failed to obtain the necessary wisdom to best phungi, the road trip, to date, had been a failure. However, Clams was not going to leave without a final stab:



Clams: Gary, before we leave, I gotta know: what is the secret to beating phungi?

Gary: (channeling his inner-1980’s movie knowledge) “Did you ever play tic-tac-toe?

Clams: Yeah, of course.

Gary: But you don't anymore.

Clams: No.

Gary: Why?

Clams: Because it's a boring game. It's always a tie.

Gary: Exactly. There's no way to win. The game itself is pointless! But people who play fantasy football, they believe you can win an imaginary war. That there can be no "acceptable losses."

Clams: (confused)

Gary: There's no way to win. The game itself is pointless!

Clams Jr: In other words, like thermonuclear war, the only winning move is not to play



Mr. B (taking the opportunity for a speaking line): So where we off to next?

Gary: The goal should be beating LBRod, not phungi, so you may want to gather the rest of the league.

The Dr: I hear Kentucky is nice this time of year

Tinnitus: The BBN Basketball Showcase is in a week at the Rupp Arena

Bill: Rupp!

Luke:Kentucky Beer Cheese, here we come

Clams Jr (donning Ray Bans): we’re on a mission for Rod



(to be continued)
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