My turn with the elephant

[Cole Younger]

I haven't talked about this much period and not at all here. Back in September I was at home by myself one night and got a phone call from my dad. He told me he had stage four pancreatic cancer. The conversation was short and he talked in a tone of voice a person would use if they were to call you and give you some small bit of news that really wasn't all that important. I think that's what I will remember about that conversation for the rest of my life. Or what I will remember most. The even tone that he used when he delivered the news and the way he maintained it throughout the short conversation. I didn't really know what to say and can't remember what I did say.

He had been experiencing some minor but persistent pain for a couple of weeks and I had realized I hadn't been able to get him to go hunting or fishing and he seemed to just want to hang around the house mostly but he otherwise seemed like himself.

When he told me it was stage four I thought it would be a matter of weeks. But it has been nearly six months and not much had changed. He would be tired and didn't feel good of course after his treatments but between those he seemed like himself and he even went deer hunting with me a few times this year. We live just a few miles from each other so I have been seeing him a lot and I'm thankful for the time I've had since he told me but the stupid part of it is that I allowed myself to start thinking a miracle might happen and we might somehow get out of this or might get a few more years. Doesn't look like that will be the case.

My momma picks my little girl up from school and keeps her until my wife gets off work. When I got home today my wife told me I might want to double up on the visits with him because my momma told her that he can't stand up in the shower anymore on his own.

I don't know why I decided to write this or post it. I have dealt with this the way I usually do on the rare occasion that something really bothers me. I haven't really talked about it and have done my best not to think about it.

But I see that damn elephant whether I talk about it or not. And I hate it.

[Clams]

Really sorry to hear that Cole. If writing about it helps you to feel better, then by all means keep it up.

[Zip City]

Screw cancer. My dad is dealing with some shit (just discovered in the last few days) but not as bad as what you're dealing with, Cole. Keep your head up; my Mom has a friend who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 5+ years ago and is still alive and kicking

[Cole Younger]

Screw cancer. My dad is dealing with some shit (just discovered in the last few days) but not as bad as what you're dealing with, Cole. Keep your head up; my Mom has a friend who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 5+ years ago and is still alive and kicking

Thanks buddy. I hope your dad gets well soon.

[chuckrh]

Hang in there. I went through the same thing with my dad. He lasted 1.5 years with same diagnosis. Be prepared, the last 6 months were rugged. Prayers to you & your family.

[Tequila Cowboy]

I'm so sorry, Brad. I just learned yesterday that the mother of one of my closest friends passed away after a ten year fight with cancer after she had been given three years to live at diagnosis. Sometimes it happens like that, sometimes it doesn't. What I do know about that is that it gave my friend time to rebuild his relationship with his mom and he's eternally grateful for that. It sounds like you've done exactly the right thing by spending a lot of time with your dad and I hope you get at least just a little more time. Cancer sucks.

[Iowan]

Sorry man. My grandpa went through a very similar bout with cancer that lasted about 3 years. It kinda seemed like forever. He lived 40 miles away from me (which is nothing out here in the middle) so I helped my mom with a lot of stuff for him those last few years. He actually lasted nearly a year after the point where your dad is at now, but it wasn't a very good year and in hindsight I wish he'd have passed sooner, because he was in a ton of pain and there just wasn't much left of the guy who had been such a big part of my life. I think he was afraid to move on and struggled as long as possible to avoid it.

However, having that window gave me the opportunity to say goodbye the right way, and tell him how much I appreciated the things he'd done for me. If you can do the same with your dad (sounds like you are), it will help ease the pain/struggle and make you feel better about the elephant. At least it did for me.

Good luck. Cancer sucks, and no one is untouched by it's bull shit any more.

[roland]

My condolences. My Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in 2000, and passed in 03. The hole in my heart is still large, but I've learned not to dwell on it.

[RolanK]

Sorry to hear this Cole. It must be tough.

[beantownbubba]

Very sorry to hear this news. I agree w/ clams that if it helps to write here whether that's every day or every year, then absolutely please do so. As is evident from the responses so far cancer touches (hammers?) pretty much everyone, one way or another. It is an evil disease and when it strikes you or your family all you can do is the best you can do. Spending time with the loved one who has the disease has surely got to be about the best thing anyone can do and it seems like you have been taking advantage of that opportunity. And help your Mom of course. Hang in there, 'cause what else are you gonna do? My best wishes to you and your family that things go as well as they possibly can given the horrible situation.

[Beaverdam]

Cole,
I'm sorry to hear about your dad and pray for the best. Take care, brother!

[whatwouldcooleydo?]

Cole,
pretty much everyone before me said it all, and far better than i could, but hang in there and seize/enjoy every minute with your dad that you can. I'm not especially close (not estranged or anything, just not a particularly close relationship, for a thousand different reasons) with my parents and I'm always a bit envious to hear stories from those who are tight with their parents

[Smitty]

I'm late on this but everyone else articulated it better than I could anyway. Hang in there brother.

[Swamp]

Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.