Busting an Online Cheater

[RevMatt]

Maybe I should have stuck with Steampunk!

Ok, to make a long story less long here are the details.

In Feb. I got back together with a woman I had been seeing a year earlier. It is a long distance relationship as in an eleven hour drive. I've been making the trip once a month and staying at her place for about five nights at a time. She said she loves me and wants to get serious. Now this boy ain't nobody's fool. I monitor the online dating sites and know the ones she has profiles on. We met online. When I started seeing her again she had inactive profiles on about four or five sites. She had a profile on POF that she logged into maybe once a day or once every few days. Figured no harm no foul with that one. We are supposedly exclusive -- it has been that way on my part -- and trying to find a way to move in together.

In the past week two things happened. First, she moved out of the house she was living in with her daughter, son in law, grandkids and got her own place. Second, she put up new profiles on two dating sites and has been very active on POF, like logging in once an hour which can only mean she is chatting with people there. I figure one of two things has happened. Either she is having buyer's remorse with me or now that she is living in her new place she is determined to put her freak on. So, the old Rev is history without even a phone call. It hurts a little bit but this ain't gonna be the first time this old cowboy spent the night alone. Not only will I get over it without the risk of contacting a disease but I already have two dates set up this weekend.

Anyhow, she has never seen my POF profile and today I changed it to the following.

I play in a band, ride my Triumph Bonneville and enjoy each day. I would like to meet someone who is fun to be around and hopefully lead to a longterm relationship. I am a spiritual person with a rebellious streak. I like all kinds of music. Lately I've been into country. Yeah, that's what happens when you hit middle age and realize that your life has turned into a country song.

One thing I like to do with my profile is post my own observations about dating. They can be humorous or serious. I like to change it every month or so. Feel free to visit often even if you don't think I am God's gift to women. I am funnier than 99% of the people on this site and know the difference between "your" and "you're", "they're", "there" and "their", and "its" and "it's". Yes, the public schools were much better before the 1980's which is one of the many reasons why I date older women.

Online Dating

Here we are, single in the 21st century. We have profiles on these dating sites. Biggest revolution in dating since the automobile. Can you imagine what it would have been like if they had the internet when we were in our 20's?

After being on here a while the reality sets in. While the technology may have changed the mentality of daters is about where it was in the age of disco and polyester. Cheesey pickup lines. ****y people who are convinced they are "all that". Cheaters galore. Well, at least I don't have to spend the evening buying drinks for some woman at the end of the bar who isn't the least bit interested in going home with me. I'm already at home wasting another evening doing the chat thing when I could be doing.... Well, let's be honest, most of us don't have anything better to do. If we did we wouldn't be logging so much time on these sites. The laptop is just the 21st century version of the boob tube.

According to the women on this site, the bar is set pretty low for the men here. All you really have to be is genuinely single, moderately attractive, have enough common sense to know that sending a complete stranger a picture of your genitalia is not a good idea and, guess what? You've moved to the top 1 percentile of the dating pool! Congrats are in order. And thank you, Mom, for teaching me to be a gentleman. Sorry I couldn't keep a marriage together for even 1/4 the length of time you and Dad did but, hey, just be thankful you raised a son who knows better than to send pictures of his junk over the internet!

OK, now I am going to get down to the nitty gritty of the real pitfalls of online dating. Here is the truth. Because it is so much more efficient to meet people and a hook up is just a mouse click away, this is the online equivilant to crack. People who did not cheat once during their marriage are cheating like crazy on this thing. It ain't just the men who are acting like players. And for those of you who think you won't get caught, get real. The software on these sites makes it very easy for your "steady" to figure out how often you are logging in. Blocking won't help either. Think you can get away with putting a profile on a different site? Believe me, you aren't as smart as you think you are. Within five days you can find that profile with a google search and even if you do know enough to sign up with a different user name you tend to use the same phrases in all of your profiles. And the sites where the profiles don't show up on a Google search? Your steady knows about them, too. All your boyfriend or girlfriend has to do is make up a fake profile with pics of somebody better looking and start chatting you up. He or she already knows what to say to successfully get you to agree to a date. One day you are going to show up at a Starbucks or Barnes and Noble for the initial meeting of a potential clandestine hook up and.... Didn't you write in your profile how much you hate drama!?! Also, if you occasionally stray just to see what's out there and you think you've gotten away with it because your boyfriend or girlfriend hasn't said anything, think again. They may already know and have used your behavior as permission to do the same thing. You are now in an open relationship even if your clandestine rendezvous never amounted to more than a caramel machiato and a sloppy makeout session in the parking lot with a bad kisser! You've joined the ranks of the swingers without ever going to a key party! Bet you never saw that coming.

So, if you truly love the person you are seeing you better think twice before throwing it all away for the sake of a hookup. Also, if you do love him or her there is a very remote chance of finding someone better BUT the odds are very good that your new love interest will be much worse. Think before you click!

Maybe the days of cheesey pickup lines and single bars weren't so bad after all. When it wasn't this easy to meet somebody people had extra motivation to stay faithful.

My question is this: What is the best way to bust her, get her to see my profile, etc... for maximum impact.

1) I can pop up in her chat window the next time she is on Plenty of Fish and say "Hello" This has the element of surprise. However she won't read what I posted in my profile.

2) I can send her a message on POF. Then she will go to my profile which she has never visited before and read what I posted.

3) I can just stop contacting her and when she asks what is up by sending me an email I can answer her by sending a message to one of her dating sites.

4) Never talk to her again.

I have already been posting cryptic messages on my Facebook page, things like videos of "I Can See For Miles and Miles", "Try", "Heard it Through The Grapevine." Maybe she can sense something's up.

[bovine knievel]

5) Fuck her








Her loss

[beantownbubba]

I've been out of the dating scene since before there was an internet if that matters.

But it seems to me that the answer to this question is always the same: Be a mensch. You get to decide whether any course of action, including the ones u suggest, meets that definition. Keeping in mind BK's excellent observation that it's her loss will probably help u to decide what to do.

[Clams]

Yeah I'm with BK. Fuck her and just move on. If your (ha ha) certain she's dating others, its (ha ha) her loss. If you really want to confront her or give her hell, then eventually she'll ask why you dumped her and that'll be your chance.

btw - what's "POF"?

[sactochris]

I've been out of the dating scene since before there was an internet if that matters.

In my day you had to try and pick up women in bars.

[Slipkid42]

I've been out of the dating scene since before there was an internet if that matters.

In my day you had to try and pick up women in bars.

or laundromats or supermarkets or libraries.

Clams, I think POF is Plenty Of Fish.

Rev, definitely pick #5 (but if you do get a chance to fuck her again, then grudge fuck her).

[one belt loop]

Look, if you spent all that time monitoring her online dating site behavior, you never trusted her, anyway. Chalk it up to needing listen more closely to your inner voice and move on.

[Tequila Cowboy]

Look, if you spent all that time monitoring her online dating site behavior, you never trusted her, anyway. Chalk it up to needing listen more closely to your inner voice and move on.

this. obl is wise.

[RevMatt]

Look, if you spent all that time monitoring her online dating site behavior, you never trusted her, anyway. Chalk it up to needing listen more closely to your inner voice and move on.

You are right and it ain't no big thing. It is just that I wrote what I think is a really good piece about online cheating in my profile. Busting her with that piece would be classic. That is my question. But making her see that is kind of wimpy. Makes me look needy. So I don't know whether busting her is a good idea. Maybe better to post some pics on Facebook of me having a good time this weekend getting a massage from a steampunk queen.

I didn't really trust her but, as I said, with the internet it is hard to trust anyone these days including me. It is online crack. Ren Fair Belly Dancers are just a mouse click away, not to mention some newly divorced old flame on Facebook who just friended you. It pays to run a Google search once a week to make sure the person you are with hasn't put up a new profile on a dating site or has activated an inactive one. People can only cover their tracks when they aren't trolling. It is really easy to get busted.

As Elvis Costello says, there ain't no such thing as an original sin, so I'm not angry.

[Erdlivz]

(but if you do get a chance to fuck her again, then grudge fuck her).

My drink just spewed through my nose.

[Ty Webb]

PIIHBW/OLOW

[Gang Green]

Rev, it seems to me that you've accumulated some pretty good material for some new songs which you should be writing which plenty of folks in today's day and age would relate to.

[RevMatt]

Rev, it seems to me that you've accumulated some pretty good material for some new songs which you should be writing which plenty of folks in today's day and age would relate to.

I got married in 1993 and was divorced in 2008. The changes in the dating scene are fascinating.

I've always been attracted to women who are bad for me. A psychiatrist once told me it is the "moth to the flame syndrome". When I was in college a friend once said, "You date all of these crazy chicks just so you have funny stories to tell." Probably partially true.

[Cole Younger]

Rev just walk man. You've already got other women that you are interested in who are interested in you.

Nothing is to be gained from calling her out. It makes it look like you care a lot and the number one thing you can do if you really want to burn her biscuits is to make it seem like you don't give a tin shit. Seriously.

I may not know much but I know what I'm talking about here. And I wouldn't even make it a point to post pictures of you and other women. I mean if you just were going to do that anyway then maybe so. But people, especially women, instinctively know when you are trying to make them jealous, make a point, give them the finger, etc. with that kind of thing and that aint the message you want to send.

The message you want to send is that you don't care and haven't missed a beat.

[Ty Webb]

Lots of good advice here.

But also...

PIIHBW/OLOW

[dime in the gutter]

with all due respect and not meant as to fuck with you...but this thread seems kinda stalkerish.

don't want to end up a patterson song.

i really don't give a crap one way or the other, i just wanted to post this howlies clip.

maybe play it like this.

[Gang Green]

Rev, it seems to me that you've accumulated some pretty good material for some new songs which you should be writing which plenty of folks in today's day and age would relate to.

I got married in 1993 and was divorced in 2008. The changes in the dating scene are fascinating.

I've always been attracted to women who are bad for me. A psychiatrist once told me it is the "moth to the flame syndrome". When I was in college a friend once said, "You date all of these crazy chicks just so you have funny stories to tell." Probably partially true.

Let's just say I'm expecting a whole album from Loud Day full of songs about crazy steam punk and Internet women. I'm expecting a Jim Carroll Band "Catholic Boy" type album.

[Steve French]

11 hour drive? Hell with that.

11 minute, maybe.

[The Black Canary]

hmmmm this is a toughy Matt,
1. Your not sure she actually cheated, played a little sheet hockey, so to speak
2. If it was real and something that would have stood the test of time and destance, you both would know it
3. Is Fn' her over really going to change how you feel (or is she going to have stories about the crazy ex to tell at parties??)
4. As a man of faith, would taking her down and ripping her a new one really benefit you or your ego??
5. One question-Have you asked her about any of this? I would think that after knowing this woman for a period of time you would know if she was lying or trying to cover up something.

When you love someone, truly love someone distance would not matter, you would follow them to the ends of the earth.


Damn straight slipskid, met both my ex husbands at bars, the old fashioned way!!!!!

['Scratch]

Like my dad said when I was a freshly broken-hearted teenager.

"Don't take it too hard kid. Women come and women go and they always will."

It really helped at the time.

But the fact that he and my mom had been married for over 20 years was a little hard to reconcile I decided not to overthink it.

['Scratch]

11 hour drive? Hell with that.

11 minute, maybe.

Pretty sure that 26 miles is pushing the limit.

[Flying Rabbit]

3. Is Fn' her over really going to change how you feel (or is she going to have stories about the crazy ex to tell at parties??)
4. As a man of faith, would taking her down and ripping her a new one really benefit you or your ego??

These. What's the endgame, here? I mean, the obvious satisfaction of revenge is there--but then again, it also probably makes her that much more sure about her decision. Seeing you as vindictive isn't really a color you wanna wear to attract women

Personally, I'd let it go. It doesn't remedy anything in the end to push her face in her choice, and now you're cut loose to pursue a meaningful relationship with someone who won't treat you like dirt.